Summary

  1. Top Takeaways:
    • The ultimate basis of consensual dominance is desire, not ability.
    • three foundational skills: finding comfort, creating safety, connecting
      • safety
        • to create safety for someone else to be vulnerable with you, be vulnerable yourself.
    • inviting consent is the most effective way to engage a potential partner
      • A good invitation has three parts.
          1. a good invitation solicits their desire
          1. a good invitation offers our desire
          1. a good invitation can be declined without consequence
        • bonus: include face-saving alternative
Outline:

The Heart of Dominance

rw-book-cover

Metadata

Kindle Highlights

Table of Contents (Location 31)

Chapter 3: Understanding Consent Technique: Safewords Technique: Let Them See You Coming (Location 35)

Chapter 4: The Container Technique: Contracts (Location 38)

Part Two: The Work of Dominance (Location 40)

Chapter 7: Forging Connection Technique: Paraphrasing Fantasies (Location 43)

Chapter 8: Taking Charge (Location 45)

Chapter 9: Seven Key Questions (Location 46)

Part Three: Flavors of Dominance (Location 47)

Chapter 11: Conquest Technique: Abduction (Location 51)

Chapter 13: Devaluation Technique: Set Up to Fail Technique: Reflection (Location 55)

Chapter 15: Objectification Technique: Speech Control Technique: Denial (Location 60)

1. Introduction

What consensual dominance means here is any kind of intentional, mutually desired, mutually fulfilling exercise of power and control between partners. (Location 69)

If you have an interest in the bedrock principles of inspiring, deepening, maintaining and enjoying control over a person who dearly, desperately wants you to control them, then this book is for you. (Location 79)

But dominance is different. Often the very core of what a person is wanting from submission to you is to please you, or make you proud, or meet your expectations. What they need is directly connected to your passion for dominating them. They want to be subject to your desires. They want to feel used as a toy for your gratification. (Location 95)

Power is likely to look different and feel different, in profound ways, to someone who has spent their entire life closer to the bottom of society's pecking order than it does to someone who's spent their life closer to the top. (Location 117)

The world of BDSM is wondrously broad and fuzzy around the edges, and it doesn't really break down into three neatly delineated sections. Instead, think of BDSM as a nice big umbrella term for "all that kinky stuff." (Location 127)

Roughly, we can think of D/s as the aspect of BDSM having to do with power and control, and that is the tight focus of this book. (Location 131)

Part One: Foundation

The common core of dominance is the hot, complicated space between what someone wants to do on their own and what they want to do for you. (Location 145)

later in the book we'll delve into the intricacies of submissive desire and the ways that people can have powerful needs to be dominated in ways that they absolutely do not enjoy. (Location 147)

Some of us are very specific in which directions we prefer to take our dominance: interested only in degradation, or only in receiving service, or only in nurturing and guiding, or some other particular flavor of dominance. Others are more flexible, exploring different sorts of dominance at different times or with different partners. Regardless of the style, the essence of dominance is in the "because I said so" or the "do it for me." It's in the influence one person wields over the thoughts and actions of another. (Location 151)

The art of dominance is in learning how interpersonal power works, learning the skills necessary to wield it with confidence, and developing the judgment to wield it well—in ways that will be positive and fulfilling both for your partners and for yourself. These skills are largely introspective, emotional and interpersonal. (Location 155)

2. Understanding Dominance

Words, Words, Words (Location 175)

At the same time, "master" and "slave" carry the baggage of thousands of years of the very worst kind of nonconsensual dominance, so some people don't want to associate what we do with those words at all. (Location 185)

It is valuable to figure out what dominance means to you as specifically as possible. What drives you to dominance? What rewards do you get from it? (Location 203)

To help in your exploration of these questions, I'll describe six flavors of dominance—ways of understanding some of the different kinds of passions among us (Location 205)

Some Words as I Use Them Here (Location 219)

Dominance, its complement submission, and their combined abbreviation "D/s" mean any kind of intentional, consensual bossing around of one person by another. (Location 220)

Kink means anything that your conservative Aunt Gertrude would think is weird and suspect of being sexual. D/s falls within kink, but not all kink is D/s. (Location 225)

A scene is a short period of intense focus on a D/s dynamic, or other sort of kinky play. It's the time between "Crawl into my bedroom and strip off your clothes!" and "That was great, want to get pizza?" (Location 234)

There are many tactics that some of us use to try to bring those fantasies to life. We use conditioning to create certain habits of obedience in our partners, to the point where they will obey without thinking. We use hypnosis. We have our partners sign contracts stipulating that all of their decisions are ours to make. All of these tactics can work—with a partner who wants them to work. (Location 254)

Tactics for usurping someone's personal decision making that do not depend on their active collaboration—things like military training or cult indoctrination—all require more effort and more control than 99.99% of us will ever have the resources for, or even want. (Location 260)

the work of dominance is to enable or inspire submission. We don't make our partners submit; we create the opportunity for them to submit. (Location 265)

understanding the difference between making someone submit and enabling them to submit is crucially important to dominating well. When you understand that, you will realize that our partners' desires are central to successful dominance. (Location 267)

Successful dominance requires understanding the submissive desires of each individual partner you connect with, and learning what they need in order for those desires to blossom. (Location 270)

Dancing

The leader guides the dance, but the follower isn't just being dragged limply around the floor; they have their own energy, creativity and flair to contribute within the steps the leader sets. (Location 273)

Great dances of dominance and submission are the same. Their greatness comes out of the powerfully creative feedback loop of two partners both pouring energy and creativity into the dynamic and feeding one another's passions—egging each other on to go deeper and hotter. (Location 275)

Even in the most seemingly one-sided arrangements our partners are actively contributing to building the dynamic deeper, stronger and hotter. (Location 282)

Even in dynamics that prize absolute and unthinking obedience, where the submissive isn't to move or speak except as specifically directed by the dominant, there's a tangible undercurrent of harnessed enthusiasm from the submissive. (Location 283)

D/s relationships follow more or less the same rules as vanilla ones with only a couple of extra complications added. (Location 356)

Possibly the most common mistaken idea about dominance is that all there is to it is issuing orders and being obeyed. (Location 359)

In their fantasies, having a partner who orders them around with no consideration for their needs is great! Of course, fantasy dominants always order you to do exactly what you secretly wanted to do anyway. The reality seldom works out so neatly. (Location 365)

That belief in hardness as the key to dominance is a common part of "Kneel, Bitch" models of D/s. (Location 372)

Here's a secret: **people on the Internet sometimes exaggerate the truth. (Location 1309)

How to Create Safety In Being Seen (Location 1316)

listen not just to the fact that they want it, but to what it means for them to want it. A desire that sounds tame or routine to you may feel deeply, vulnerably submissive to them—and (Location 1343)

Pay special attention to feelings of privacy around submissive desires. Remember that submission is weird and sexual and "weak" and hugely stigmatized. (Location 1346)

And one final advanced dominant judo move: to create safety for someone else to be vulnerable with you, be vulnerable yourself. Match their sharing of their desires by sharing your own desires, fears and feelings in about the same measure. (Location 1366)

That means taking off the Mighty Dominant facade and showing them the human underneath, which may feel scary or counterintuitive when what you want to do is establish dominance. It works, though. What you're really doing is leading by example. (Location 1370)

Safety of Intent

To feel safe being taken on that journey with you, your partner needs to know that you care about their experience. (Location 1376)

A person with a strong desire to be of service will want some confidence that you understand that need, and that you sincerely intend to provide them with opportunities to serve. (Location 1398)

A complaint that I have heard over and over again from people who desire to submit is about entering into a scene or a relationship with a person who claims to intend to dominate them, and finding that instead of getting the control or humiliation or service that they crave, they get spanked a couple of times and then fucked. And that's it. (Location 1401)

the "Kneel, Bitch" misconception that real dominants just do what they want with no consideration of their partners. (Location 1407)

How to Create Safety of Intent

you first have to have an intimate insight into their submissive desires? You have to know what it means to use this particular person well. (Location 1411)

No list of limits, or safeword, or any other cunning device will ever substitute for our responsibility to care for our partners. (Location 1431)

our partners come with needs that they are looking to get satisfied—both directly submissive needs like "I need to feel powerless" or "I need firm guidance and lots of structure," and also related needs like "I need to be dominated by someone who I know loves me" or "I'm new and I don't know for sure how I'll react to all this. I need someone who's committed to help me through it if I freak out." (Location 1436)

To be safe dominant partners we have to understand their needs and actually intend to satisfy them. (Location 1439)

It can be terribly tempting to dominate anyone who throws themselves at our feet, but to build this sort of safety we need to be choosy. We need to find out a bit about what kind of submission this person is wanting, what kind of needs they bring with them, (Location 1441)

So talk with prospective partners about what they need from the dominance they're seeking, and be honest and as specific as you can about how you would want to dominate them. (Location 1444)

We can train our partners' preferences and habits in all kinds of delightful ways, but a real need is nearly impossible to intentionally change. (Location 1452)

Our goal is to find a fit—a D/s arrangement that is fulfilling both for us and for our partner. It doesn't need to be a perfect fit, but it must be good enough that we both feel fed by the dynamic. (Location 1458)

many people try to make themselves into something they didn't really want to be in order to become the dominant or the submissive that their partner wanted, and I've always seen it end in disappointment. Eventually, a role that doesn't feed our real needs wears us out. (Location 1461)

it's better to face a smaller disappointment earlier than let it grow into a bigger one later. (Location 1463)

Finally, consider the kind of intent that you display in your interactions with other people, (Location 1464)

If you want to demonstrate that you are safe to serve, be polite and appropriate with service staff wherever you go. (Location 1466)…If you can show good intent—compassion, dependability, generosity, thoughtfulness—throughout the way you live your life, you will make yourself an easy person to submit to. (Location 1468)

At heart dominance is about interpersonal control, and interpersonal control is about relationships. The core skills of dominance are personal and relationship skills: how you handle yourself and how you connect with others. (Location 1482)

D/s dynamics tend to demand far more personal and interpersonal competence than the average relationship. (Location 1497)

How to Build Competence (Location 1508)

we can work on to become better at being a more self-aware and reliable person, more socially apt, and a better intimate communicator, and thus a safer person to submit to. (Location 1512)

A great place to start is emotional competence. (Location 1518)

It can also be helpful to find opportunities to talk about dominance and about our dynamics and relationships with people with whom we aren't trying to engage in D/s. (Location 1525)

Discussion groups are perfect venues for finding this kind of non-sexual peer community, and exist both online and in person. Shop around until you find one that fits you. (Location 1529)

Responsibility (Location 1536)

By responsibility I mean being competent at following through: at doing what you said you were going to do, when you said you were going to do it. (Location 1536)

You don't have to be the life of the party or a great orator or the kind of person who takes the lead in groups in order to be good at dominance. You do have to be socially competent in the sense of perceiving the cues that other people are giving you about their moods, their desires and most importantly about their boundaries; and knowing how to respond appropriately. (Location 1562)

When you're interacting with someone, make it a habit to intentionally ask yourself, "Do I know how this person is feeling right now? Do I know what they want? Can I tell how comfortable they are?" If you aren't confident that the answer is "yes," focus your attention on finding out. (Location 1572)

Stop planning the next witty thing you're going to say, and just look at the person you're with. (Location 1574)

you can improve others' comfort around you by getting comfortable yourself. (Location 1580)

If there is a BDSM community that you are interested in being part of, work at becoming comfortable there. (Location 1582)

Dominating on the Spectrum (Location 1588)

There can be a lot of pressure on us to always appear competent and confident, ready and able for anything—but if we have the humility to be able to say "I'm not up for dominating you right now," or "I see that you're eager to go deeper into submission to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready to take you there," we'll be rewarded with stronger and more authentic D/s dynamics. (Location 1602)

7. Forging Connection

She had nightly devotions to perform: meditating on a mantra of obedience and working her pussy right up to the brink of orgasm before stopping, backing off, denying herself release. (Location 1617)

She got to cum only occasionally, when I wanted to give her a treat or on the few nights when I was in town to use her in person. Otherwise, she stayed frustrated for weeks at a time (Location 1618)

To submit, she needed to feel connected to me: to have a visceral sense that I was receiving her submission. I increased how much I communicated with her on a daily basis, and I started giving her special assignments to complete for me more or less weekly, and she obeyed happily for the rest of the summer. (Location 1623)

Connection is another prerequisite for dominance that is universal in my experience. (Location 1626)

Dominance lives in the fascinating gray area between what someone wants to do on their own and what they'll do because you want them to do it. That merging of desires requires connection between us and our partners. (Location 1627)

Connection means being aware of another person's experience, and them being aware of yours. We are connected with someone in moments when each of us knows how the other is feeling and what is on one another's mind. (Location 1639)

connection is fundamental to dominance in a couple of ways. First, awareness of our partner's thoughts, feelings and needs is vital to knowing how to control them. (Location 1654)

Very few people enjoy scrubbing toilets, but some find satisfaction in being made to scrub toilets for a partner who will be pleased with a job well done, (Location 1659)…a big part of their payoff is in how we experience their submission. If they aren't connected with us, then they may as well go home and clean their own toilet. (Location 1661)

Reading Our Partners

For most of our partners, our experience is crucial to their own. Much of their payoff comes from pleasing us or provoking us, from feeling our scorn or our affection. So part of the fundamental work of dominance is learning to share our thoughts, feelings and needs with our partner, especially as those things relate to them and their submission. (Location 1675)

so long as we aren't letting our partner see our real desires and feelings around dominating, we will be limited in how deeply connected we can be. (Location 1682)

They want a safe, trusted person to give attention to their submissive side: to notice when they obey and when they misbehave, and to share in their experience of themselves as submissive beings. (Location 1691)

fulfillingly obedient. (Location 1698)

Also, most people are inspired to feel more submissive to someone who demonstrates knowledge of how they tick. (Location 1703)

attention is the single most powerful tool that we have at our disposal, (Location 1705)

How to Use Your Attention (Location 1706)

recognizing how much attention we have to spare at any given moment, and then dominating to our level of attention. (Location 1715)

Anytime we notice ourselves thinking something along the lines of "Shit! I do not want to deal with this right now, but I have to!"—that's a signal to stop and take three or four deep breaths. (Location 1726)…Instead, claim for yourself the right to be tired or distracted or just not interested in dominating right now, (Location 1733)

Practice saying "I don't have the attention that this requires right now," (Location 1734)

The Look (Location 1738)

When you do have your full attention available, practice focusing it on your partner. (Location 1738)

"The Look"—a mysterious dominant gaze that some people have and that weakens knees and makes hearts flutter without a word being said. (Location 1739)

Now notice specifically everything that is submissive about them. Are they keeping their eyes downcast, or speaking with special respect, or walking a half-step behind you? Is their mouth slightly open? (Location 1745)

People can usually tell when they're being looked at deeply, and will get at least a hint of what their examiner is thinking of them. (Location 1748)

I've known couples who have lived together for years and remained utter mysteries to one another, either because they simply weren't paying attention or because each had such fixed ideas about what they thought the other was like that they were never able to see what they were really like. (Location 1761)

A new partner often brings out a new side of us, which adds extra fascination to exploring connection. (Location 1768)

The submissive role is so inherently receptive that someone entering a relationship from the submissive side is likely to shape themselves to the individual dynamic. (Location 1772)

One pattern that is very common in D/s dynamics is for the person in the submissive role to have a great desire to please us, and corresponding difficulty expressing feelings, needs and reactions that they think we don't want to hear. (Location 1774)

Often our partners need our active encouragement to be able to share the bad along with the good. (Location 1777)

instead of trying to force an artificial consistency, (Location 1782)

Connection time. Build dedicated connecting time into your schedules together: time just to talk and listen, when you aren't focused on training, or playing or getting off. (Location 1790)

focus your conversation on sharing both of your feelings and needs. Your goal is to learn what's really important in your partner's mind, and for both of you to come away feeling that you've shared deeply and been heard. (Location 1793)

A friend of mine uses a novel variation on this idea. He requires his partner to call his phone at a set time each day and leave a voicemail that completely fills the three minutes allowed by the system. (Location 1804)

the stream of consciousness evoked by the requirement to keep talking sometimes brings out things that even she hadn't known she was going to say! (Location 1806)

Keeping a journal of your own can be invaluable for crystallizing what you've learned from a day, and having a record to jog your memory later. (Location 1812)

you can keep a notebook devoted specifically to your connection with a particular partner. (Location 1813)…review your notes later to notice larger patterns that are less obvious in the moment. (Location 1816)

Technique: Paraphrasing Fantasies

Knowing all the secret details of what turns our partner on allows us to play them like an instrument. (Location 1818)

Step #1. Get your partner to tell you one of their favorite kinky fantasies.

We're more likely to get a deeper, yummier fantasy when they're safely curled into bed, in our arms, with the lights off, than if we ask across the table at Burger King. (Location 1827)…model the same vulnerability we're asking of them by sharing a few juicy fantasies of our own. (Location 1828)

Lots of "Mmmm," and "That sounds hot," and "Tell me more" is good. Masturbating them while they whisper in your ear might be even better. (Location 1833)

Step #2. Repackage the fantasy.

Think about all the elements that you guess make that fantasy sexy, and work some, most or all of them into a story of your own creation. Add maybe one or two flourishes of your own, but not too much. Your goal is to make it so that anyone who found the first fantasy hot would find this fantasy just as hot or hotter. (Location 1848)

Step #3. Get feedback.

Get them good and turned on, and tell them yours. Writing these back and forth works too, by the way, which can work nicely if we're dominating at a distance. (Location 1854)

ask them (maybe in a later moment) what was hot about your story and what wasn't. (Location 1856)

make it super clear to them that you want their honest reactions, and don't try to argue or justify if they say you missed the point, just learn from it. (Location 1857)

The Moment (Location 1868)

it's possible to experience moments of intense connection even with relative strangers. Those moments come when both people feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts, express their feelings and ask for what they really want; (Location 1874)

Immediate, moment-by-moment awareness of what our partners are feeling and wanting gives us confidence to demand more and go further. (Location 1877)

Our partners' immediate, moment-by-moment awareness of our needs and feelings allows them to open up and trust our intentions and our control to a greater degree than they otherwise could. (Location 1879)

When we can tell how small and pliant our partner feels kneeling before us, it's easy to feel big and masterful ourselves. And when our partner immediately picks up on that, and we can immediately sense how they are getting off on it and feeling even smaller and more possessed... Well. It goes good places in a hurry. (Location 1883)

How to Connect In the Moment (Location 1886)

share openly and listen attentively across as many channels of communication as we have available. (Location 1887)

To connect with words, it is super useful to learn the art of talking dirty so that we can clearly convey our experience and our desires without breaking the mood of the moment. (Location 1891)

Work on self-acceptance, and glibness will follow. (Location 1894)

A good stream of dirty talk is invaluable, both for letting our partner in on the story that's unfolding in our head, and also for checking their reactions to what we say. (Location 1895)

"Are you enjoying this, honey?" would be rather disruptive. I often like to phrase my check-ins as demands: "Tell me how much you love this, bitch." or "Ask me for another." (Location 1897)

Listen to their body. Beyond words, watch for tension in your partner's body and face. This is an excellent barometer of their general "okayness," (Location 1901)

Reach out and touch them lightly. If they melt into your hand, they're probably with you and ready for more of whatever you're doing. If they feel rigid or flinchy, that's a warning sign. (Location 1903)

Check their eyes and their breath. (Location 1904)

A quick but powerful way to increase your connection in the moment is to have your partner breathe with you. Get to where they can see, hear and even feel your breathing. Tell them to breathe with you, and then take a few long, slow breaths, as deeply as you can. (Location 1906)

It may be useful to set up conditions or protocols under which a particularly bashful partner is required to initiate contact with you, thus leaving no room for doubt that reaching out is okay. (Location 1920)

Another technique is to establish reminders of connection for one or both of you in the form of rituals or tokens. (Location 1922)

In general, we can promote connection in our D/s by consistently encouraging transparency and sharing from our partner. (Location 1929)

Forging Connection: In Summation (Location 1937)

We need to be aware of our partners' experience, so that we can push their buttons with confidence. (Location 1938)

8. Taking Charge

One most important rule that anyone who wants to belong to me has to follow. Ready to hear the most important rule?" (Location 1947)

"The most important rule is that, in all things related to your submission to me, you have to be as honest with me as you possibly can. Say this for me: 'Honesty is my first duty. I will always give my owner the truth.'" (Location 1949)

"No. Say the whole thing: 'Honesty is my first duty. I will always give my owner the truth.'" (Location 1952)

Negotiation (Location 1967)

Those three fundamental skills—finding comfort, creating safety and forging connection—underlie everything we do in the practice of dominance. (Location 1968)

The negotiation between partners with a strong rapport, for stepping into a kind of dominance that they've been doing together for years, might be as quick and simple as "Up for being my dog tonight?"—but it's still a negotiation at heart. (Location 1975)

Make Trust Your Foundation (Location 1979)

The first thing to think about, before we even begin negotiating with someone, is how much reason we have to trust them. Just because someone agrees to something, or even begs for it, doesn't necessarily mean that they genuinely intend to do what they said they would, or are even able to do what they said they would. (Location 1980)

People negotiating for submission, especially those who are newer to the experience, are famous for having eyes bigger than their stomachs, as well as for being easily tempted to agree to what they think we want rather than what they really want. (Location 1982)

People seeking education on how to submit will hear many warnings not to trust potential partners without good reason, but some of the same hazards apply to us as well. (Location 1989)

we are at just as much risk from someone who lies about their STI status. We can reap just as much strife and heartache from someone who lies about their relationships status. We could end up with an unsatisfying relationship, or a scene that crashes and burns, with someone who misstates what kind of dominance they're up for. (Location 1991)

consider how much you really know about them and how deeply you have reason to trust them. Do they really understand what they're getting into? (Location 1995)

Do you have external verification that they're as experienced as they say they are? It isn't uncommon for people to overstate their experience, not because they're evil liars but simply because they're feeling insecure or want to impress you. (Location 1997)

With that flirty stranger you just met at a convention, negotiate a light, short dynamic with a narrowly limited scope of what you will do to them—and see how that goes before gradually delving deeper. Or spend some time getting to know them as a person before moving into dominance at all. (Location 1999)

jumping into deep submission before establishing trust—is a strong warning sign that you're dealing with a person who doesn't really mean what they're saying, or doesn't really understand what they're asking for. (Location 2003)

The importance of trust in negotiations for dominance is one of several reasons why establishing ourselves in a kinky community is so valuable. (Location 2005)

we and our partners are working together toward the same goal: to create the D/s dynamic that will be hottest and most fulfilling for both of us. (Location 2012)

True consent has to be as unpressured as possible. (Location 2014)

It also happens to be a poor tactic. People can usually tell when someone is negotiating selfishly, and it erodes that sense of safety that is essential to submission. (Location 2018)

But even the best trickery, "game," or high-pressure sales tactics won't work as well as genuinely caring about and working with the person you're negotiating with. (Location 2025)

Pressure can come into negotiations even unintentionally. People with submissive leanings tend to really, really want to please. Being all turned on, or already in a bit of a submissive headspace, or maybe a little high, can all drop inhibitions and magnify that effect, leading our partners to agree to things that they won't feel good about later. (Location 2030)

People skilled at dominance learn to be conscious of pressure and to manage it carefully. (Location 2033)

More Than Just the Facts (Location 2036)

What negotiation for dominance should be is both thorough and enticing. It should ensure that we and our prospective partner have shared and heard all of the relevant information about our desires, hesitations, needs and limits, and that we have made agreements about all the relevant features of the dynamic we're setting out to create together. (Location 2037)

Dominance is an emotional connection, not a business transaction. (Location 2040)

Emotional energy needs to be built up through flirting and anticipation. Juices must be gotten flowing. (Location 2042)

We and our partners need to taste one another, metaphorically and sometimes even literally, and see what chemistry we find between us. This process of the heart and the libido is at least as important as the rational conversation about hard limits and safer sex and aftercare requirements. (Location 2044)

The Silence of Shame and Fear (Location 2052)

Negotiating rational, explicit, detailed agreements is rarely sufficient for successful negotiations for dominance, but it is an essential piece of those negotiations. It's also a piece that many of us are tempted to skip—because of shame and fear. (Location 2053)

our culture teaches a very strong message that sexy, passionate things must never be spoken about frankly and directly, and that doing so is mortifying or creepy or awkward. (Location 2055)

Bound up with that ingrained shame is the fear of rejection. Asking for what we want directly opens us up to hearing rejection, (Location 2058)

Talking about our desires is an art, and like any art it requires practice. (Location 2069)

telling our partner what we want to do to them and making detailed agreements for what we'll do together can become a process that feels confident, sexy and profoundly dominant, and not awkward at all. (Location 2070)

All kinds of people struggle with sexual shame and fear of rejection, not just kinky people—but (Location 2072)

We with exotic desires have to learn to have grownup conversations about those desires. (Location 2077)

Skipping the explicit, specific aspect of negotiation creates a tremendously increased risk of miscommunication, mismatched expectations and boundary violations. (Location 2079)

If you've read all of this advice and negotiation still feels like an awkward, scary prospect, that's okay. Most of us were stiff and awkward and fumbling about negotiating our first several dominant relationships. ...the first step is to give ourselves permission to be bad at it at first. ... let it be hard, and do it anyway. (Location 2093)

9. Seven Key Questions

Cover the Bases (Location 2095)

What Do We Both Want? What Are Our Risks? What Are Our Relevant Limits And Likely Triggers? How Will It Start And How Will It End? How Will We Maintain Communication During? Who Else Will Be Involved And How? What Happens After? (Location 2100)

Question One: What Do We Both Want? (Location 2108)

Lots of advice on negotiation starts with talk of limits, activity checklists and safewords, but I think it's important to begin from desire. (Location 2109)

The more deeply and specifically we can each share what it is that we want out of our dynamic, the more likely we both are to get it. The goal of negotiation becomes discovering a way to mesh our and our partner's desires in a way that fulfills us both. (Location 2113)

Simply because someone wants to submit does not mean that they want to submit in a way compatible with how we want to dominate. (Location 2116)

Sometimes my first negotiation with a new partner is something like "I want to bite you, moderately hard, right... here." And that's the scene: one bite. Then I get to see how they respond to my touch and to pain (biting is particularly nice because you can increase the pressure slowly and discover at what point they yip), (Location 2127)

This lets us get a taste of playing with each other without all the work of a big, heavy negotiation of every possible limit and kind of play. (Location 2131)

Getting to the Heart of Desire (Location 2132)

You can negotiate your and your partner's desires purely on the level of physical actions. Like: they want to be treated roughly and forced to take an enema; you want to have them wear a leash, hear them call you "Sir," and see them crawl. (Location 2133)

There's a more powerful approach available, however, and that's to dig beneath the surface of what actions you and your partner will take together and investigate what those actions mean and how they feel to each of you. (Location 2137)

But to make your dynamic really sizzle, to enable a remarkably deeper level of connection and control, find out why your partner wants to be spanked. (Location 2141)

How do they want to feel about it before, during and after it happens? (Location 2143)

Find out who you are to them when you spank them. I don't mean that they're going to literally hallucinate that you're someone else, but that you are filling some role in the drama of their submission. (Location 2144)

I want to see my bottom endure something difficult out of devotion to me. (Location 2154)

Question Two: What Are Our Risks? (Location 2159)

some from kinky practices that commonly accompany dominance, and some intrinsically from dominance itself. (Location 2160)

taking sexy pictures has risks of those pictures showing up on Facebook—the list goes on. (Location 2161)

For meaningful informed consent, our negotiation has to cover the potential risks of the kinds of play we're talking about doing. (Location 2162)

If STIs aren't a shameful, taboo thing for us, then, while the cootie talk may still not be exactly sexy, it can at least be warm and lighthearted. And the same with whatever other risks our play entails. (Location 2165)

We can practice talking about these things even when we aren't negotiating, just in kinky conversation and correspondence. (Location 2167)

Get used to talking about the risks of your play, whether that's STIs or leaving scars or triggering old traumas—just as you'd talk about any other thing, without stammering or beating around the bush. Having a community of other people who practice dominance, whether in person or online, is especially valuable here. (Location 2168)

Getting truly comfortable with our risks lets us bring them up easily and naturally. The necessary talk can happen without having to be a big, anxiety-riddled ordeal that we'll be tempted to avoid. (Location 2170)

Some Common Risks of Dominance (Location 2180)

Be very careful what you put online. Social media sites can create the illusion of a safe space separated from your vanilla life, but even without any kind of nefarious hacking, it's pretty easy for your horny nephew to create a profile, flip through all the women in your town, and stumble across your picture. Keeping recognizable pictures off the Internet goes a long way. (Location 2188)

Develop subtle or coded ways to express your D/s connection with your partner. This can be a fun, flirtatious game in and of itself. For example, the phrase "don't you think?" could be code for "that's an order," so when your family is deciding which board game to play on Thanksgiving afternoon and you say "Scrabble would be fun, don't you think?" (Location 2196)

If you really want to exercise some dominance in public, but the risk of being recognized is too intolerable, then travel is your friend. (Location 2203)

just take a road trip to a town where you're confident neither of you knows anyone—and then bring your partner into the pet store to try on dog collars. (Location 2204)

Babies and Other Sexually Transmitted Conditions. (Location 2206)

For many people, this is a particularly awkward conversation to have. There's so, so much shame and taboo around the subject. This means it's also a good place to show your leadership by getting educated, getting comfortable, and being able to initiate a frank and detailed talk about your status and your risks. (Location 2209)

I strongly recommend doing more than a quick exchange of "I got tested and everything was negative." When were you last tested? What precisely were you tested for? What partners have you had since you were tested, what are their statuses, and what safer sex practices have you used with them? (Location 2211)

If you are negotiating for more than a one-time thing, talk about what policies you both plan to follow going forward. How often will you test and for what? Will you tell one another if you have contact with a new partner? What would it mean for your relationship if one of you did become positive for some STI or another? (Location 2221)

Assault and Abuse. (Location 2226)

being in a submissive role or mindset can make it much harder to recognize the lines between being controlled, hurt and used in ways that they will remember with delight, and being bullied, battered and abused in ways that will be damaging to them (Location 2231)

Even if you know full well that you are not the kind of person who would ever abuse anyone, please acknowledge that a new partner of yours can't be so certain. Proactively arrange your courting and early domination of them so as to remove or reduce even the opportunity for abuse. (Location 2234)

Showing that you understand and care about their vulnerability will go a long way toward establishing the safety that is so essential to fostering submission. (Location 2236)

Here are some things you can do. (Location 2237)

Suggest public places to meet with new or potential partners. (Location 2238)

Suggest they arrange a safe call: a trusted friend who knows where they are going, knows when they ought to be back, and will take action if they don't check in by the agreed upon time. (Location 2242)

Then let their comfort set the pace for dispensing with these precautions as the two of you get to know and trust one another. (Location 2245)

There usually comes a point in a relationship where you know one another well enough that getting into a car together or playing in the privacy of a bedroom becomes normal and unthreatening. (Location 2247)

no matter how many times a partner has consented to be (or even begged to be) kissed or groped or slapped in the face or ordered to their knees—you cannot assume that you get to treat them that way in the future until and unless the two of you explicitly agree to ongoing consent. And even then, it's a good idea to check back in occasionally and confirm that they're still loving it. (Location 2250)

It's common for those with strong submissive desires to find it easier to obey orders than to take care of themselves. (Location 2254)

you can order them to set a boundary when anything feels abusive, damaging or not-okay. It might look something like this: "Your submission is valuable to me, and in order for me to keep getting the submission I want from you I need you to be healthy in mind and body, and enthusiastic about submitting to me. (Location 2256)

Love and Attachment (Location 2263)

Where they count as risks is in dynamics where your shared goal is to have a more casual play relationship, or a D/s relationship that may be deeply emotional in its own way but not involve romantic love. (Location 2265)

The experience of submission has a marked tendency to create intense emotional attachment. (Location 2267)

place boundaries around how attached you'll be to one another, it's wise to talk about what you'll do if either one of you finds your feelings exploding out of your control. As the dominant partner, it's likely that you will be the one in the position of having to hold those boundaries with both firmness and compassion. (Location 2271)

Question Three: What Are Our Relevant Limits and Likely Triggers? (Location 2274)

It's more useful to think about limits after you have established a pretty good idea of what the two of you want from your dynamic and what significant risks might apply. (Location 2280)

First negotiating the general shape of what you and your partner might do together allows you to better focus on those relevant limits. (Location 2284)

limits. It gives more of an illusion of having nearly unlimited power: we've just got this list of five or ten (or zero) limits, and we can do absolutely anything else we want to our partner! (Location 2286)

It is unethical (and likely to be unsuccessful) to rely on a prenegotiated list of limits as a substitute for maintaining a genuine connection with your partner, understanding how they're feeling, and really truly caring about their experience. (Location 2298)

it's still your responsibility to somehow find out what will make for a safe and satisfying experience for your partner, and to stay connected with them so that you're able to tell if they're going to a bad place—even if no official limit has been crossed. (Location 2302)

A trigger might also be a limit, but it isn't necessarily. Your partner might be delighted for you to pet their hair, so long as you understand that they will then be feeling and acting like a five-year-old for the next hour and you're prepared to go with that. (Location 2316)

A limit shared by many of us on the dominant side, myself included, is that we do not wish to act as pseudo-therapists for our partners and, as part of that, do not consent to be part of anyone intentionally reliving their traumas as part of our dynamic. (Location 2318)

Question Four: How Will It Start and How Will It End? (Location 2321)

How to get a dynamic jumpstarted—to make the switch from interacting as equals to interacting as dominant and submissive—is very often the most challenging and awkward part of dominance. (Location 2322)

Endings are also vitally important, and often aren't given as much attention as they deserve (Location 2324)

Some of us like to use rituals or tokens to make the beginning and ending of our dominant dynamics crystal-clear. Perhaps your partner kneels and asks to be of service to mark the beginning, and kneels again and asks to be released to mark the end. Undoubtedly the most classic token is a collar—the (Location 2325)

True consent can always be revoked, and all kinds of emergencies can pop up that interfere with the best laid plans. Having "emergency landing" agreements laid out in advance can make such sudden ends much less confusing and stressful. (Location 2334)

Long-term dynamics, where our partner may become emotionally or materially dependent upon us, call for more thorough consideration of endings. (Location 2340)

Some of us who take financial responsibility for our partners set aside a sum of money that will become theirs upon the ending of the relationship, to ease their transition back into financial independence. (Location 2343)

Some of us negotiate a process that we and our partners agree to follow for ending the relationship. (Location 2345)

Going through the steps can create an emotional buffer that makes it less hard than it would have been otherwise, though, and sometimes having those steps to follow together can help both us and our partners feel like we're still working together at least a little bit. (Location 2348)

Question Five: How Will We Maintain Communication During? (Location 2350)

No pre-negotiation, no matter how thorough, can ever replace ongoing, in-the-moment communication. (Location 2352)

Effective and meaningful contracts for long-term dominance are almost always living documents. They aren't the end of negotiation, but instead are records of an ongoing process of communication, reevaluation, and modification within an evolving relationship. (Location 2359)

The challenge is that D/s has a natural tendency to shut down communication. People in the midst of submission very, very often find themselves less able to speak their minds than they normally are: afraid of saying the wrong thing, powerfully driven to say whatever they think you want to hear, or even finding it difficult-to-impossible to speak at all. (Location 2363)

Especially with a new partner, it's wise to assume that they will have difficulty initiating any communication while submitting, and tremendous difficulty telling you anything that they think might displease you or that runs counter to the dynamic that exists between you. (Location 2368)

You can negotiate periodic breaks in your dynamic for real-talk conversation, or have a special phrase or ritual that invokes a moment when you set aside your D/s roles and check in. (Location 2374)

One common code is to use "If it pleases you," to mean "I'm not safewording, but I really don't want to do that." (Location 2376)

I like to outright order my partners to tell me how they're really feeling, to make it rule number one, and then reinforce throughout the scene or relationship that sharing their actual feelings, reactions and experiences with me is an act of obedience and a way that they can please me—even when their experience of the moment is that they're not turned on at all and they think I'm being a dumbass. (Location 2377)

there's a significant benefit simply to the act of talking about it—of giving it priority and making it abundantly clear to your partner that you really, seriously want to be kept informed of what's going on in their head while you dominate them. All details aside, if you get that message across you'll be on the right track. (Location 2381)

Question Six: Who Else Will Be Involved, and How? (Location 2387)

What I mean by "involved" here is a broad spectrum that runs from lending your partner to another person to serve, down through even hinting to another person that your partner submits to you. (Location 2388)

The first time I ever took a partner out in public on a collar and leash, we first drove to a city four hours from where we lived, and we went to a neighborhood well known for its tolerance of wacky shenanigans. We talked about it first, agreeing that we were both confident we wouldn't see anyone who would recognize us, and sharing an understanding of what sorts of showing off in front of strangers would and would not be hot and fun. (Location 2397)

Another kind of distinction to feel out is how closely the two of you will dance along the boundaries that you do draw. Some of us don't want others to see our dynamic but love, love, love the tantalizing possibility that we might get "caught." (Location 2407)

You can send them a text in the middle of their work day, ordering them to slip away to the bathroom and masturbate. (Location 2410)

Remember how sensitive and vulnerable submission can be. The smallest suggestion of a threat that you're going to expose that vulnerability to unapproved people can be traumatic. (Location 2416)

Finally, consider negotiating agreements for how you will handle information about your dynamic long after it ends. Many people have different ideas of how to consider the privacy of an ex than they do for a current partner. Will you tell future partners about your dynamic? What details should always be kept completely secret? What happens to all those sexy pictures you have of one another? It's easier to make those agreements at the beginning than it is mid-breakup. (Location 2422)

Question Seven: What Happens After? (Location 2426)

I once wrapped up a humiliation-heavy first date and blithely moved into my usual, natural next phase of praising her for how well she'd done and reassuring her that I valued her as a person and a friend. She instantly went from gooey surrender to cold irritation and told me I was ruining it for her: what she craved was being dismissed with contempt and left to wallow in her degradation for a couple of days. (Location 2431)

It can be a good practice to talk through both of your best predictions of what you might need, and then arrange to just have a comfortably long span of free time available after your dynamic winds down. (Location 2445)

Beyond immediate aftercare, there are important bigger-picture questions about what this D/s experience means for you, for your partner, and for the two of you. Is it the beginning of a lifetime exploration, or a one-night stand? Does submitting to you for this one evening mean that your partner is becoming submissive to you in general, or does it mean that next weekend is their turn to hold the leash? (Location 2452)

For some power-kinked people D/s is a necessary component of love, while for others love and D/s cannot coexist in the same relationship. It would be a tragedy to discover that you and your partner are on opposite sides of that line after you've already become attached to one another. (Location 2455)

Seven Key Questions: In… (Location 2457)

Negotiations for dominance can take lots of different forms, but regardless of whether it's a months-long seduction in a chat room or a spontaneous "Wanna play?" with a friend, we can ask ourselves whether or not we and our partner share a clear understanding on these seven important… (Location 2458)

Part Three: Flavors of Dominance

To get a handle on that broad territory, I'm going to divide it into six primary flavors of dominance. Control Conquest Devaluation Nurture Objectification Service (Location 2463)

most of what we do under the banner of dominance can be described as some mixture of these six elements. (Location 2471)

these are six basic ingredients that you get to blend together in different proportions to create your own custom dominance recipe (Location 2474)

Many of us have one or two favorites that form the major flavors of our dominance, and we may have one or two that we want absolutely nothing to do with (Location 2477)

Some of us like to emphasize different flavors in different contexts or with different partners: our long-term relationship dynamic could be mostly about service and nurture, but we might love doing conquest-heavy scenes. (Location 2478)

The classic Master/slave relationship is heavy on control and service. Parental or pet ownership dynamics tend to emphasize nurture along with control. Consensual nonconsent and dynamics with bratty or smartass partners center on conquest, and Owner/property often has a large helping of objectification and sometimes devaluation (Location 2480)

Talking about dominance in terms of its six basic flavors, rather than in terms of idealized relationship styles, is a way to avoid that confusion and to avoid squabbles over what qualifies as a "true Master" or "real Dominant.' (Location 2483)

Understanding these different flavors is valuable for assessment of potential partners. (Location 2487)

Simply knowing that someone is "a submissive" is woefully inadequate for understanding whether or not they will be an appropriate partner for the style in which we want to dominate. Understanding that we require devaluation, can take or leave service, and have no interest in nurture lets us probe for those interests and decide to pursue or not accordingly. (Location 2487)

It is by no means a checklist, because different people can and do have very different interests and preferences even within one of these flavors, but it will go a long way toward narrowing things down. (Location 2490)

10. Control

A Fantasy: Sam & King (Location 2492)

The Taste of Control (Location 2512)

Control is the flavor of dominance that's directly concerned with taking charge and making decisions for our partner. All dominance involves taking control in some way, but in dynamics where other flavors predominate the control may be less detailed, less ritualized, and mostly a means to some other end. (Location 2513)

Inspiring that feeling of being controlled is a major part of control-flavored dominance, and often the most powerful tool that we have to inspire actual, practical control. (Location 2527)

For some it's as simple as a firm hand around their throat. (Location 2530)

The ultimate basis of consensual dominance is desire, not ability. (Location 2536)

If we're dominating a partner who's a professional sommelier, we'll still pick the wine at the restaurant, because the point isn't getting the best wine, the point is enjoying having us make the decisions. (Location 2537)

in reality, though, no one is right all the time, and our partners are often smart, capable people with lots of wisdom and expertise of their own. (Location 2546)

what happens when our partner knows better than we do? (Location 2547)

Another priceless skill we can learn is delegation. Many of our partners love to be useful to us, and they are often a whole lot more useful for their planning skills or their money management expertise or their excellent sense of direction than they are as human footstools. (Location 2557)

If we acknowledge our partner's intelligence and expertise and give them ways to contribute their ideas or even (gasp!) correct us from a submissive place, then we can worry less about being knocked off our pedestal when they know better than we do. (Location 2559)

Learning to delegate, finding comfort in accepting corrections from our partners, and letting go of the fantasy of being right all the time are all necessary for personal growth and developing a realistic and resilient confidence in ourselves. However, they are also hard and humbling work. (Location 2561)

Beware pitfall of seeking less capable partners for the sake of easy control

Rather than do that work, some of us fall into a pattern (consciously or unconsciously) of seeking partners who are much younger, much less experienced and much less worldly than we are: people we imagine will be easy to impress and easy to control. (Location 2564)

Our partners in control-centered relationships need impulse control, self-awareness and excellent intimate communication, (Location 2567)

The Dictator vs. The Final Word

I want to show you two contrasting models of exercising control. (Location 2571)

The Dictator issues commands with zero input from their partner. (Location 2574)

The Final Word has conversations with their partner about what it is they want and how to best achieve it. They explain their desires and their priorities, and get suggestions or feedback from their partner, and then they make the final decision about what will be done. (Location 2577)

The old saw that "two heads are better than one" is accurate, especially when the other head is attached to the body that's carrying out our orders. (Location 2582)

The Final Word would start with something more like, "I want to play with you. Anything I should know about before I take you into the bedroom for a couple of hours?" (Location 2593)

The Final Word is still in control, it's just a more collaborative kind of control. (Location 2596)

We can be the Dictator in moments when we're confident that we have a full understanding of the situation and know exactly what we want to happen, and the Final Word when the situation is less cut-and-dried. (Location 2598)

An essential thing to understand about taking control is that if we want to keep it, we have to use it. (Location 2600)

Egalitarian relationships aim to take more or less equal turns at the stick, but when we set out to create a control-flavored D/s dynamic we are telling our partners that they can sit back and enjoy the ride while we fly the plane. (Location 2602)

Some control-flavored dynamics involve less consistent decision-making on our part, and are more about making one-off demands. Rather than "I will make all your decisions tonight," the deal is more like "you will do whatever I tell you to tonight." We don't assume responsibility for flying the plane so much as we claim the right to yank the controls at will. (Location 2621)

over time their sense of being available for us to command is likely to wither down to match the scope of control that we actually exercise on a regular basis. (Location 2625)

Scope of Control

focus it on the areas where control is most rewarding to us. (Location 2629)

Take small bites of control, and let each one settle in and become habit before taking more. (Location 2633)

Some different ways to build that container: (Location 2636)

Take control of all your partner's decisions, but only for an evening. (Location 2637)

Take control of only one small aspect of your partner's life. (Location 2638)

Have a few levels of control spelled out, so that you can easily switch between them. (Location 2639)

Create a simple ritual by which you mark handing control back to your partner. (Location 2641)

It's far easier to be a big-picture visionary who says "I want you to eat healthier. Do some research and present me with a sustainable diet plan," than it is to plan our partner's every meal ourselves! (Location 2642)

The compulsion to be in control and the enjoyment of being in control are really very different things. (Location 2651)

three archetypes of controlling submissive (Location 2656)

the Sprinter, the Scrapper and the Control Freak. Understand that these are descriptions of roles or patterns that people sometimes step into, not descriptions of people themselves. (Location 2657)

Sprinters think fast, and they always know what they want. They aren't going to carefully weigh all the options; they see one choice that seems good and they go for it! (Location 2660)

not something I do naturally, especially if I'm waiting for the inner hell yes (3f1f1b - It takes time for the inner 'Hell Yes!' to arrive in our awareness from our bodies)

they usually end up in the driver's seat. Why? Because people tend to follow a clear vision, and the sprinter is usually the first person to present one. (Location 2661)

If you are a more contemplative person, it's easy to get steamrolled, or to feel pressured into making hasty judgments just to keep up. (Location 2665)

make patience into part of their submission. ... "Stop. Wait patiently. I will tell you when I've made my decision." (Location 2668)

Having some specific ritualized way to wait, or having something else to focus on while they wait, can sometimes help (Location 2669)

Scrappers are fighters. Sometimes identifying as "strong submissives," "alpha submissives," or "not a doormat," these are folks who take great pride in their strength of will and combative nature. (Location 2671)

They have a tendency to see D/s as a contest of wills, either because that's really what fulfills them or because their pride in their strength and their internalized shame about wanting to submit require them to put up a worthy struggle before accepting another's control. (Location 2675)

If you'd rather have control without making it a battle, it can sometimes work wonders to reframe the challenge. Tell them that it isn't your job to force them to submit; it's their job to submit well enough to earn your dominance. (Location 2679)

get them to turn that fierce will toward strengthening your dynamic rather than challenging it. (Location 2681)

Setting a Baseline (Location 2699)

One final, and very important, thing to do in any control dynamic is to set a baseline of what sort of behavior we'd expect from our partner even if we weren't dominating them. (Location 2700)

"I love controlling you and seeing your obedience, but I don't believe that it should take an act of submission for you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper. When I find them all over the bed I don't just feel disappointed as your dominant, I feel disrespected as your partner." (Location 2712)

Positions of Vulnerability. The most straightforward way to play with trust is to put our partner into a vulnerable position, then bring them through it unscathed. (Location 2723)

Limiting Information. (Location 2727)

This is a really easy technique to implement: we just don't tell our partner what we're planning to do with them. Not knowing what's going on, what's about to happen or why inspires a powerful feeling of loss of control in just about anybody. (Location 2728)

to epic schemes like "Take the week of the sixteenth off from your work, make no plans, and be waiting naked in your living room at eight o'clock on Saturday morning." (Location 2732)

Technique: Remote Control (Location 2775)

The techniques of remote control are valuable any time that our in-person time with a partner is limited, whether that's because our relationship is long-distance or because of busy schedules. (Location 2778)

A few ideas for remote control: (Location 2782)

Daily Reports. Something as simple as requiring our partner to send us a "good morning" text message every morning can provide connection and a daily taste of obedience. (Location 2783)

Rituals. (Location 2786)

they can also go stale if the meaning of the ritual leaks out and it becomes a rote chore to be performed. Checking in with our partners about their rituals, or occasionally changing them up, can help prevent this from happening. (Location 2788)

Text Message Triggers. Establishing command triggers that we can occasionally send to our partner. Like "at the earliest possible opportunity, slip into a bathroom and masturbate for exactly three minutes," or "Tweet the last erotic thought you had, right now." (Location 2790)

Establishing the trigger allows us to hash out all that detail in advance and then send a concise message to set it into motion: "Starve." (Location 2796)

Prohibitions. Denying our partner some little thing can be a regular reminder of their submission. (Location 2797)

Call me and ask permission before eating any sweets. (Location 2801)

Accounts. Having our partner track merits or demerits for how well they are behaving while apart from us, and present them to us for reward or punishment when we're reunited, maintains connection and a sense that we are in control even when not present. (Location 2802)

Sending Pictures. (Location 2806)

like pictures of our collar around their throat, words of devotion written on their body, or a clamp on a nipple. (Location 2808)

11. Conquest

Mar sighed, gave her one last kick into the corner, and began undoing her belt. Somehow, it always ended with the belt. (Location 2832)

The Taste of Conquest

Conquest is the flavor of dominance that's about the struggle for power and the victory of the dominant partner over the submissive partner. That victory can come in different forms, from physical combat to mental challenges to contests of willpower. (Location 2834)

It is also a way for the submissive partner to feel deeply and undeniably wanted; their partner wants them so badly that they will chase them down and fight to claim them. (Location 2839)

The Field of Battle (Location 2844)

Here's a secret about conquest, just between you and me: the real goal of conquest-flavored D/s is not to defeat your partner, but to inspire a feeling of surrender within them. (Location 2845)

What makes someone feel deliciously defeated varies from person to person, flowing from individual passions and fantasies. (Location 2850)

Common options include: (Location 2852)

Restraint: our partner surrenders when they are held down, or when we get them tied. (Location 2852)

Brutality: our partner surrenders when they feel sufficiently bruised and battered. (Location 2854)

Threat: our partner surrenders when they feel threatened with some unacceptable loss, like when we put a knife to their throat or get their finger bent back near the point of breaking. (Location 2855)

If we and our partner have mismatched expectations for our shared battlefield, problems are likely to arise. We hold the knife to our partner's throat, but to them conquest means being outwitted, not being threatened. So they call our bluff. Now what? (Location 2861)

Rules of Engagement (Location 2866)

To remain in the realm of consensual dominance, conquest must happen within a container of ultimate consent. (Location 2867)

Some of our conquest dynamics are a lot like wrestling matches. Some of them are literally wrestling matches, using all the standard rules (with a few sexy exceptions). (Location 2871)

Many of us who play with conquest love the concept or the threat of ruthlessness, but desire relatively little of it in reality. (Location 2879)

Often it is more effective to make a big, villainous show about how ruthless we are than it is to actually threaten, much less follow through on, any extreme measures. If our partner is continuing to up the ante and pushing us into fighting harder and harder for dominance, there is a good chance that we're misunderstanding what it is that triggers their surrender. (Location 2881)

What is the forfeit? Once they're down, what kinds of things do we get to do with them? Conquest dynamics are a particularly good place to pre-negotiate in detail, because a person who's just had their surrender response triggered is often not in a place to be able to make the best decisions about what they do and do not want done with them. (Location 2891)

How long until the next rebellion? With conquest-flavored D/s, it's usually just a matter of time before our partner's feeling of surrender wears off and they come looking to be taken down again, and if we also have a passion for conquest then that's exactly how we want it! (Location 2895)

Some people are even looking to conquer or be conquered only once per relationship, to form the foundation of a different flavor of dominance that follows the conquest. Misunderstandings on this point can lead to tremendous frustration, with one partner wondering why the other one won't stop picking fights now that the battle is over. (Location 2899)

Provocation (Location 2901)

Commonly associated with the labels "brat" or "smart ass masochist" (SAM), this is the kind of dynamic where our partner intentionally disobeys, disrespects, taunts, plays pranks, or otherwise misbehaves in order to elicit the punishment they crave. (Location 2903)

Provocation is a peculiar kind of D/s play, because it gives primary control to the nominally submissive partner. Our partner chooses when to provoke, and we obediently dispense some kind of chastisement until they decide that they've had all they want and they choose to become temporarily remorseful. (Location 2905)

But if what we want is obedience, or even simple respect, then this dynamic can be frustrating. (Location 2908)

If you don't enjoy being provoked, then don't feed the dynamic. Instead of responding with dominance, respond as a human being who has the right to have your own boundaries and expect those boundaries to be respected. (Location 2916)

This is an especially appropriate situation for us to establish a safeword for our own use, to signal with complete clarity that we do not want to play right now. (Location 2919)

Anger (Location 2926)

Intimately connected to provocation is the dangerous emotion of anger. Some of us like opportunities to bring anger into our dominance, and it's perhaps even more common that our partners want to trigger and experience our anger. (Location 2927)

It is an out-of-control emotion, in more ways than one. First, anger is a response to things not going our way. We don't get angry when we're in control and everything is going according to plan; we get angry when we're thwarted or feel impotent. (Location 2929)

Second, a person in the throes of anger tends to make less sound decisions and be easier to manipulate than they would be otherwise. (Location 2931)

Many of us have a blanket rule that we don't dominate when angry. (Location 2932)

Some of us even give our partners a rule that if they perceive anger in the way we're dominating them, they are required to tell us so. (Location 2934)

If you do want to play genuinely angry, recognize that it's a significant risk factor both for violating your partner's boundaries and for making decisions that you yourself will later wish you hadn't. (Location 2936)

Technique: Abduction

It is also, however, a very high-risk thing to arrange. (Location 2945)

The aspect that is most problematic, while also being key to many people's payoff from abduction, is anonymity. It just isn't the same to get "abducted" by your partner, who you would have gone along with anyway, as it is to get carried away by a mysterious stranger. (Location 2946)

So the main way to reduce the risk of a consensual abduction is to arrange a way to moderate anonymity. You might make it so that your partner absolutely knows that their abductor is you, that they mostly know that it's you, or that they find out that it's you at the last second. Here are some options. (Location 2951)

Scheduled Abduction. Plan with your partner what day this is going to go down. The odds of a random abductor trying to kidnap them on the exact day you'd planned are vanishingly small, but they can still maintain a sexy suspension of disbelief that it might be a real abduction. (Location 2954)

Forgo Anonymity. Or you can just scrap anonymity altogether. Walk right up and take 'em. You can still preserve a mystery about where you are taking them and what you're going to do with them once you get there. (Location 2960)

What Do You Do Once You've Got 'Em? (Location 2963)

If we're going to all the trouble of kidnapping someone, we might want to do something different than what we'd do to them on any regular Tuesday night! (Location 2963)

Blindfolding is such an integral part of the abduction fantasy that it's practically mandatory! A sack or pillowcase thrown over their head is most traditional. (Location 2966)

Involving others is another common component of abduction fantasies: the idea of being at the mercy of an unknown number of faceless strangers. Extra helpers can also help tremendously with the logistics of capturing, restraining and transporting your partner. Make your plans carefully in advance—if you can avoid speaking, then anonymity can be better preserved. (Location 2971)

You're advised to plan your abductions for private places. Have your partner give you a key to their home so that you can "break in" for their kidnapping, or abduct them from a kink community party or other gathering where everyone present can be in on the secret. (Location 2976)

Finally, think through how the abduction is going to end. (Location 2981)

12. Service

A Fantasy: Cindy & Zen (Location 2986)

And Zen, of course, was in seventh heaven getting to show off how strong and competent zie was, and having so many things to do to serve her. On the other hand, it wouldn't do to let her servant feel too competent. That led to cockiness, attitude and, if left unmanaged, sloppy service. (Location 2996)

"Zen, attend me!" Cindy called out, and was gratified to see how promptly zie dropped the sleeping bag zie had been stuffing into its sack and scurried over to stand at attention before her. (Location 2999)

"How may I serve you, Ma'am?" (Location 3001)

"And I want my hands to match." Cindy waved the immaculately, expertly polished nails of her left hand in front of her servant's face. "So you'll have to do as good a job as I did. Or I will not be satisfied." (Location 3004)

The Taste of Service

Service is the flavor of dominance that is about our partners expending effort for our benefit. (Location 3008)

Domestic service (cooking and cleaning), hospitality service (waiting tables, serving tea), body service (massage and other pampering) and sexual service are some of the most common themes, but you can also find submissive servants acting as everything from mechanics to executive assistants to personal trainers for their partners. (Location 3009)

No Such Thing As a Free Lunch

Every successful service dynamic is actually mutually fulfilling in some way, even if what the servant is getting out of it isn't immediately obvious. (Location 3016)

The key to building and maintaining strong service dominance is understanding the nature of the fulfillment that our partner gets from serving us, and making sure that they're getting enough (Location 3017)

People who enjoy service-flavored dominance generally do so because there is something about being served that feeds us, beyond simply getting free labor. (Location 3023)

Is it seeing our partner perform their duty naked and with sexy grace? Is it having an opportunity to find fault and administer punishment? Is it simply having the knowledge that our partner is our servant and will obediently perform menial chores at our command? Probably the full picture of the rewards that each of us gets from receiving service will include a mix of these, (Location 3027)

But think of it this way: someone who really, purely wanted nothing but to serve would probably be off volunteering at a soup kitchen rather than going to all the work of building a D/s relationship. They've sought out a dominant partner because they are looking for some special character of service, or something that they hope to earn through service. (Location 3033)

two kinds of payoffs

That distinction between payoffs that are inherent to the service and ones that are earned through the service is important. Payoffs that come from the nature of the service itself can be fed by the way in which we receive our partners' service. Ones that are earned mean that we implicitly owe them something outside of the service itself. (Location 3036)

Having a Job in the Relationship. Some people are happiest and most comfortable when they have a well-defined job to do. Their payoff comes from knowing their place and having a clearly defined structure that lets them know exactly what to do in order to be "doing a good job." We can feed them with clarity and consistency: (Location 3041)

Feeling Competent. Many people love opportunities to show off how good they are at things. Their payoff comes from getting to employ their skill, knowledge or dedication and be recognized for doing well. (Location 3046)

We can feed them with approval and opportunities to shine. Give them tasks that they can do a good job with, set them up for success, and then be liberal in your praise. (Location 3049)

Feeling Subordinate: Many people associate serving someone with being beneath that person, and so for such people their drive toward service is a way to experience being in a subordinate role. We can feed them with superiority and demeaning tasks. (Location 3053)

rub it in for them how this work is beneath you. This particular motivation for service is closely akin to devaluation-flavored D/s, and your partner might be disappointed if you are too grateful for their service. (Location 3057)

Getting to Know You. There's a unique kind of intimacy available to a personal servant. They get to learn all the minute details of our routines and our preferences. (Location 3066)

In cooking for us, they learn all our favorite foods and precisely how much salt we like in our soup. In acting as our secretaries, they get an excuse to be on top of our schedules and know our travels and our business. (Location 3068)

they'll love getting to know that and running out to get your Egg McMuffin in the morning. (Location 3073)

A theme across all of those different drives toward service is the importance of noticing our partner's service. (Location 3083)

they want to be serving you, and to be connected to you through their service to you. (Location 3086)

Earned rewards of service

I, personally, love arrangements where a partner has to serve me in some way in order to earn the privilege of being played with by me. The idea that being controlled and/or tortured by me is a reward that needs to be worked for is entirely delicious. (Location 3096)

talk through with our partner what it is that they expect to get out of the deal. Ask them to describe how service looks in their fantasies. (Location 3109)

Ask them what they imagine will happen after they're done mowing your lawn and washing your car. (Location 3110)

It's also valuable to be clear and sincere about our own desired outcome right from the beginning. (Location 3123)

If we want quality service, it's better to lead by telling them how important good service is to us and how much we'll appreciate their best efforts to succeed. (Location 3127)

After All I've Done for You! (Location 3133)

servants have a much easier case to make than most. The rewards that they've been giving us are tangible and undeniable, while the ones that they've been getting from us are often invisible, unconventional, and very easy to conveniently forget. (Location 3137)

Technique: Assignments & Rules (Location 3147)

Assignments and rules are how we exert control over our partners beyond the present moment. (Location 3148)

There are a few simple ways to enhance clarity in our rules and assignments. We can encourage questions after we've given our instructions. (Location 3162)

We can have our partner repeat the instructions back to us in their own words. (Location 3163)

rephrasing it in their own words confirms that they understood. (Location 3164)

We can put our instructions in writing, which also helps both them and us remember the details of the instructions later. (Location 3164)

We can develop the instructions collaboratively, a la the Final Word. That way they have seen our thought process from the beginning, understand all the reasoning behind their orders, and can ask for clarification along the way. (Location 3165)

the less initiative we want our partner to take, the more clarity we need in our instructions. (Location 3168)

Importance. (Location 3171)

Is it a whim that sounds really cool right now, but that you're likely to forget about tomorrow? Or something so important you'd end the relationship over failure to obey? (Location 3172)

You can think about it in terms of the greatest negative consequence you'd want your partner to suffer in order to obey this particular rule. (Location 3174)

Do I want her to miss that yoga class she likes? Do I want her to be late for work? Do I want her to miss her review meeting and her chance of promotion? Do I want her to shank the woman who just picked up the last pair? (Location 3176)

If we've told them how important the assignment is to us, then they can judge when to give up on it while still obeying us. (Location 3180)

Supervision

Once we've given an assignment or created a rule, it becomes a burden for us as well. (Location 3183)

So to keep our dynamics strong and hot, it is our responsibility to supervise the execution of all our assignments and rules. We can write down all the rules and assignments we've decreed. (Location 3185)

13. Devaluation

A Fantasy: Darren & Greg (Location 3194)

Greg was never allowed to wear clothing in Darren's presence without explicit permission, and Darren brooked no excuses. (Location 3197)

"Well look at that. A pig in a shirt." Greg winced and dropped to his knees where he belonged, while Darren sauntered over to him. "Don't believe I've ever seen anything quite so ridiculous-looking as a pig in a shirt. I've told you how I feel about animals dressing up like people, haven't I? 'Specially filthy pigs like you?" (Location 3206)

The Taste of Devaluation (Location 3218)

Devaluation is the flavor of dominance around our partner getting to feel lesser than, lowered in worth or dignity, while we get to feel correspondingly superior, or to savor the proof of our power from seeing what humiliating things they will do at our command. (Location 3219)

Nobody really uses the word "devaluation" for this kind of dominance; the most common words we use are "degradation" or "humiliation." I'm calling it devaluation because some people make strong distinctions between humiliation and degradation, and I want to talk about both at once. (Location 3220)

Personally, I think of humiliation as the lighter, gentler end of a spectrum and degradation as the heavier, darker end. (Location 3225)

Imagine making your partner wear a pair of underwear on their head while making dinner, or sing "I'm a Little Teapot" while you beat them at a kinky party. The aim is embarrassment, without feeling seriously devalued. (Location 3229)

Degradation, on the other hand, might look like making our partner wet themselves, or telling them they have to wear a bag over their head when we fuck them so that we don't have to look at their ugly face. The aim is more toward tears, deep catharsis and a significant lowering of our partner's feeling of worth, and we get to tap into more serious cruelty or contempt. (Location 3231)

The Push Zone (Location 3239)

What we're hoping to achieve with devaluation is to create experiences where shame burns sweetly for our partner. (Location 3240)

Some people have a border zone in between those two: experiences that they simultaneously loathe and yet in some way crave being subjected to. That's the push zone, and it is the key to devaluation-flavored dominance. (Location 3242)

Some of our partners have difficulty even describing what it is that they feel in the midst of devaluation, or what it is that they get out of it. Concepts like "fun" or "liking it" are inadequate. They aren't having fun when they're devalued, and they don't like what's happening to them or what they're made to do, but it gives them some ineffable reward that leaves them feeling better off for having gone through the experience. (Location 3246)

The rush of power from degrading or humiliating someone isn't just that we can make them lick the soles of our boots—any bully can do that. It's that we can make them lick our boots and feel pathetically grateful for the privilege. (Location 3250)

For some it's highly specific: someone might go wild with shame and arousal over being mocked for having a small penis (whether or not they actually have a small penis), but have no interest in being devalued in any other way. For some it's a more general reaction to being devalued, and we can have more flexibility in how we take advantage of it. (Location 3256)

Remembering that reality is often pretty different from fantasy, it can be especially valuable to find out about real life experiences they've had being humiliated or degraded before, both the good ones and the bad ones, and try to understand what made the good ones good and the bad ones bad. (Location 3265)

Devaluation is a particularly good kind of play to let your partner see coming long before it happens, and to be especially careful about reconfirming consent before you repeat something that you've done before. (Location 3280)

Even carefully negotiated ongoing consent can remain delicate and risky when playing with devaluation. It may be worth it to us and our partner to negotiate for us to have the ongoing right to belittle them or treat them like livestock or the like, but we cannot assume that their having given ongoing consent means that it'll always go smoothly. We need to be prepared to help them through an unexpectedly intense reaction, and keep telegraphing devaluation far enough in advance for them to prepare. (Location 3285)

Making our partner anticipate their upcoming debasement can be the best part. Often the hottest aspect of devaluation isn't the shameful act itself, whatever that act may be, but the awareness that our partner is willing to allow themselves to be subjected to it. (Location 3289)

It isn't spitting on someone that turns me on; it's sharing with my partner the awareness that they are the kind of pathetic piece of trash who'll thank me for spitting in their face. I can draw out and savor that awareness by letting my partner know what's coming, while simultaneously giving them time to prepare themselves for their devaluation and wallow in their own anticipation. (Location 3291)

The ending of devaluation calls for careful attention as well. Many people will need lots of closeness, affection, and reassurance that we really do value them immediately after their trip down into the depths. That reconnection is essential for them to put their devaluation into context and to recover from it safely. (Location 3294)

Because devaluation taps into such dark places, we may have a hard time discerning whether our partner is having a good bad time, or a just plain bad time. (Location 3302)

So even with a partner who's telling us that they're a worthless worm that loves any kind of abuse, we still need to be paying attention to whether they're absorbing our abuse and transforming it into fulfillment, or just feeling abused. (Location 3311)

Gauging the difference between good-bad and bad-bad in the moment when it's happening is largely a matter of rapport: knowing this particular partner, their signs of distress, and their signs of readiness to continue. To get to the point where we can have that rapport, it's wise to build up devaluation play gradually. (Location 3313)

If our partner is excited and also repulsed by the idea of piss play, then maybe we start by having them kneel in the bathroom and just watch us piss, while we watch how they react. Then we give them a day or two for the experience to sink in, and then get them to tell us how it felt in the moment and how they're feeling about it now. (Location 3315)

Remember, though, that many people who seek devaluation don't actually enjoy it while it's happening, so questions like "Do you like this?" or "Do you want more?" may be hard for them to answer. A question like "Can you keep going?" or "Do you need to stop?" can be easier to process for someone who's in a state of simultaneously hating what's happening and eager for it to continue. (Location 3320)

Technique: Set Up to Fail

One common theme in devaluation is failure or worthlessness. To play with this concept we have three choices: we can pretend that our partner has failed, we can wait for them to fail at something on their own, or we can set them up to fail at a time and in a manner of our choosing. (Location 3324)

Having their nose cruelly rubbed into something that they genuinely failed at is excessively harsh for most people, but for some it's the only way to go. For those of us who are strongly attached to reality, a simulated failure can be unsatisfying, (Location 3329)

If our partner's job is to clean the living room to our satisfaction, there will always be some speck of dust that we can find. If our partner's job is to please us sexually, we can simply decide when to be pleased. (Location 3341)

Technique: Reflection

A huge part of submission (and dominance, for that matter) is about identity, and a huge part of identity is wrapped up in how we are seen by the people around us, especially the ones who are important to us. So we can help our partners sink deeper into their submissive identity by telling them about it, frequently and graphically. (Location 3346)

Narrate for them the submissive things they are doing or enduring, tell them what those things mean, how you feel about them, and how you want them to feel about them. (Location 3349)

If you are making a partner lick your boots, don't just sit there silently. Point out that they are licking your boots, and what it means. (Location 3351)

The impact and persuasive power of a message is increased with repetition. So elaborate on your theme, get into details, and remind them over and over. For some of us it may feel awkward to say something that's already been said, but if our partner is into it they'll love hearing it over and over again. (Location 3355)

As a bonus, if you can get them to use their own words rather than simply parroting yours then you'll gain invaluable information about what kind of language echoes in their mind. (Location 3360)

If you say "Tell me what a sissy you are." and they reply "I'm such a nasty sissy" then remember the phrase "nasty sissy." It's the language of your partner's own fantasies. (Location 3361)

14. Nurture

A Fantasy: Anne & Josh (Location 3371)

Having the power to inspire that kind of change in someone was a rush Anne would never get tired of. It never ceased to amaze her how far a little maternal approval could go toward getting them to try harder, break out of their ruts, and accomplish more. (Location 3382)

Sometimes she helped with goal-setting and accountability too, but the biggest part was always simply knowing that Mommy believed in them, and wanting to make her proud. (Location 3383)

The Taste of Nurture

Nurture is the flavor of dominance that's about taking care of our partners, supporting their development, and generally dominating them for their own good. (Location 3388)

People with a taste for the dominant side of nurture might be people who are caretakers by nature, who love to be needed or relied upon, (Location 3389)

nurture can be used to encourage a submissive partner to become dependent on our guidance and care (Location 3395)

Support. The simplest and possibly purest form of nurture is supporting our partner's happiness. Commonly emphasized in age play or pet ownership dynamics, this kind of support means providing largely unconditional positive regard, encouragement, confidence in our partner's abilities, or a shoulder to cry on. (Location 3399)

we can save our kind and gentle treatment of them almost exclusively for encouraging their debasement, while treating them formally or dismissively the rest of the time, making their capacity for devaluation into their sole value. This is not an approach I'd recommend for a full-time romantic partner, but it can create amazingly deep D/s with partners who aren't depending on you for support in the non-degradation parts of their lives. (Location 3431)

Dependence

For many of us who are attracted to nurture, having our partners be dependent upon us is a big part of the draw, (Location 3435)

That's the subtle danger of taking care of our partners too much. We might, without meaning to, compromise their ability to give meaningful consent, or put them in a position where the end of the relationship would be far more devastating than any breakup ought to be. (Location 3446)

Certainly nurture-flavored relationships play with more dependence than would be expected in an egalitarian relationship, but how much is too much? That is a judgment call that you and your partner need to make. (Location 3452)

If we take responsibility for all of someone's problems, we can expect them to have more and more problems. (Location 3456)

When dominance starts to resemble therapy, that's a big warning sign. (Location 3458)

It's a grand rule of human nature, and D/s relationships don't get to break it: we humans can only ever fix ourselves. Even trained therapists can't fix their clients, but only facilitate their self-healing, (Location 3461)

Trying to do therapy in the context of a sexy D/s relationship is a recipe for codependence, enablement, and ultimately heartbreak. (Location 3463)

All we have to do is get ourselves into that "authority figure" slot in our partner's head and then say "I believe you can succeed," and they will work so much harder and accomplish more than they ever thought possible. (Location 3474)

Providing accountability or expectations adds another level of remarkable effectiveness. (Location 3476)

we can choose which aspects of themselves they will set their attention to developing and shepherd them along the way. (Location 3480)

Don't take advantage of someone looking for guidance and care. (Location 3490)

The main reward is our attention and approval, and the cookie or the gold star is primarily a symbolic way of communicating that approval. (Location 3500)

Don't Spoil Them. Generally, rewards are best when they're small and are given infrequently enough to be special. (Location 3502)

Something You Have Control Over. It works better to reward your partner with something they can't easily get elsewhere. You could even choose to take control over something for the purpose of being able to dole it out as a reward. Even sitting on the couch watching a movie becomes a reward if they aren't allowed on the furniture without your permission. (Location 3507)

...But Not Something You Want Total Control Over. Depending on how much you value consistency, making something into a reward can give your partner some degree of control over it. (Location 3510)

Something You'll Enjoy Giving. (Location 3517)

Some Ideas. Gold star stickers. A handwritten card or letter of praise from you. Being allowed to sleep in your bed. (Location 3521)

A system of reward "points" that can be accumulated and turned in for a bigger reward. (Location 3523)

Technique: Journaling

decide what would be most valuable for you to read, and guide your partner appropriately. That could be something like "write your thoughts on submission for the day," or even sending them a specific prompt for each day. (Location 3536)

Read it regularly, and discuss what you find there with your partner, (Location 3541)

let your partner know that you will never hold anything that they write there against them. (Location 3545)

15. Objectification

A Fantasy: David & his plaything (Location 3551)

"Your plaything is in need of maintenance, Master. It humbly apologizes for the inconvenience." (Location 3555)

The very deepest part of his plaything's submission to him was the total sacrifice of its sexuality. It's not that it stopped feeling desire or pleasure, but that its pleasure and desire no longer mattered. (Location 3557)

When he wasn't using it, it was forbidden any kind of sexual gratification at all. Though he did allow it to watch porn, mostly because the resulting frustration amused the hell out of him. (Location 3559)

It had taken him a while to really wrap his brain around what it was that his plaything got out of this. It wasn't pleasure, exactly, but more like comfort: a deep sense of relief and fulfillment in the wonderfully, beautifully twisted little thing's soul. Not mattering felt right to it. (Location 3561)

"I have important things to do tonight," David wrote back "Drink three glasses of water tomorrow evening, beginning at six, and be at my door at seven." (Location 3571)

The Taste of Objectification

The essence of objectification isn't that someone pretends to be inanimate, it's that they are treated in the way that you'd treat an object: as a means to an end rather than as a person with ends of their own. (Location 3575)

Objectification in Society (Location 3577)

Most of the objectification that goes on in this world isn't the consensual, mutually fulfilling, mutually desired kind that we aim to play with. This is a place where consensual dominance rubs right up against big and nasty issues of privilege and oppression in our society, and being aware of and understanding that friction is essential to playing consensually with objectification. (Location 3578)

Exactly how a person deals with their experience of societal objectification varies by the individual. Most people, I'm sure, just plain hate it and want it to stop. But our partners are not most people. (Location 3587)

Some of those desiring of submission are perversely attracted to exactly the kinds of objectification that they suffer out in the world, and want a safe space and a safe person with whom to explore those depths. (Location 3589)

talking with our partners about their individual experience of objectification and what it's meant to them can build safety, and may sometimes open doors to some fantastically deep, dark, delicious submission. (Location 3600)

Objectification and Service

There is a taste of objectification inherent in service: not just submissive service, but service in general. When you walk into a restaurant, part of your waiter's job is to put their own wants and preferences and self on the back burner and be there to take care of your needs. That's at least a little bit objectifying. (Location 3603)

You, the diner, have some control over how objectifying it is. You can reduce the objectification by emphasizing your server's humanity: asking them how they're doing, saying please and thank you, or getting to know their name. Or you can ratchet it up by treating them like a device that exists just to satisfy your whims: making imperious demands, keeping them waiting while you dither over the menu, snapping your fingers at them for attention. (Location 3606)

Many people enjoy providing service but do not like feeling objectified, and with them we can use all the same good manners we use when receiving service that we're paying for. Humanize them as they serve and they'll be happier, more eager servants. (Location 3611)

But if you do have a partner who's enthusiastic to be objectified in their service, then you can turn it around. Treat them like they are their function. (Location 3613)

Don't ask them for their preferences on things, engage with their feelings, or seek their approval—use them according to your preferences and to gratify your own feelings. When you interact with them, focus on their function and your pleasure (or displeasure) with it. (Location 3615)

"The perfect servant is invisible. I don't want to even notice you're here." (Location 3619)

"I like the extra pepper in the soup, boy. Make it this way from now on." (Location 3621)

"You can cry on your own time; now get back to work." (Location 3622)

Functional or impersonal titles like "maid," or "boy," or "butler" can enhance the effect. If you are using them as a footstool, then only call them "footstool" while you're doing it. (Location 3623)

Objectification and Devaluation

Objectification also very **often goes hand in hand with devaluation, but not always**. It's certainly possible for someone to be a highly valued servant or a treasured possession. (Location 3626)

"What a fantastic sex toy you are. I love how well trained you've become, how perfectly customized to please me. Using you is so much better than sex with a person could ever be." (Location 3628)

Many people with submissive passions resonate with phrases like "I only want to please you," or "I want to do what you want me to do," and while they might not appreciate the word "objectification," what they're essentially asking for is to be objectified: to set aside their desires and agenda, and be useful in serving our pleasure. (Location 3633)

We can use the techniques of objectification with them, even if not framing it as objectification. We emphasize the focus toward our wants, rather than the focus away from their wants. (Location 3635)

If we do want to use flavors of both objectification and devaluation in our dynamic, the two can complement one another perfectly. Take the step beyond focusing on your partner’s functionality and put the focus directly on your disregard for or denial of their humanity. (Location 3641)

"Hush. Important people are talking." (Location 3644)

"I can't believe you actually thought you were a person. What a stupid fuck hole you are." (Location 3645)

"Slaves don't get preferences." (Location 3646)

Shelf Stability

One of the most wonderful qualities of actual objects is their infinite patience. Unfortunately, this is also one of the hardest qualities for an objectified person to emulate. (Location 3647)

But in their fantasies they can fast-forward through the boring parts. In reality those stretches of being left on the shelf without attention from us tend to get old really, really fast. (Location 3650)

There are some things we can do to help our property remain shelf-stable. Acknowledge that it's a challenge. Give them praise (in whatever form praise takes in your relationship) for accomplishing a big thing if they can display the patience of an object. (Location 3653)

Give them a regular set of rituals or maintenance routines to perform, so that they have something to do. (Location 3656)

Give them a specific date or time when they can expect to get your attention again. (Location 3658)

Check in, at least in little ways. Just a text message can be all the support they need to stay in the right headspace. (Location 3659)

Wanting to Not Matter

there are some wonderful, wonderful people out there who want to be objectified. (Location 3665)

Having a container that defines a clear and agreed-upon line between the times, places, ways and degrees in which our partners are human beings who we interact with consensually, and the times, places, ways and degrees in which they are things to be used for our amusement is what gives us a secure foundation for going deep into objectification. It will go a long way toward heading off tragic misunderstandings. (Location 3670)

One option for building our objectification container is to allow exactly one of our partner's desires to remain relevant within it: the desire to be objectified. (Location 3673)

For some of us on both sides of the slash, being constantly reminded that the footstool is only a footstool because it wants to be takes us out of the objectification experience that we're seeking. But for some of us it's perfect. (Location 3676)

That Which We Own Owns Us

Sometimes their fantasy is scripted enough and specific enough that there's little or no space left for our preferences. And really, on a deeper level, we are the one being objectified. (Location 3683)

Just remember whose agenda is actually being served, and it's a good idea to make sure that (outside of the container) your partner stays cognizant of it too. (Location 3686)

avoid the draining situation where you feel like you're being used as a fantasy fulfillment machine while your partner expects you to be grateful for all the use you've gotten out of them. (Location 3688)

Technique: Speech Control

Taking control of how, when or if your partner speaks can be a powerfully effective way to exercise dominance. For many people, a large part of their sense of personal power and agency is connected to their voice. (Location 3690)

Silence that voice, and they'll tend to feel small and weak. Make it speak your words instead of theirs, and they'll tend to feel controlled and objectified. Here are some ideas. (Location 3692)

Multiple Choice. "The only things you are permitted to say are 'Yes, daddy' and 'Thank you, daddy.' You may make no other sounds. Also, it is rude not to answer when daddy asks you a question. (Location 3701)

Self-Reference. Change how your partner speaks about themselves. Take away their name and their "I" to encourage them to relinquish their sense of identity. Popular variations are to make them speak in the third person, to make them use some submissive name or title for themselves, or to embrace the pronoun "it." (Location 3706)

Like "your plaything"

Forms of Address. From the simple "Call me 'Master'," to complex rules like "never use the imperative mood when you speak to me," controlling how your partner addresses you can reinforce an attitude of respect and also force them to think more carefully and be more conscious when speaking to you. (Location 3709)

Tones. Beyond controlling words, you can control tone of voice. Making someone use uptalk (where they raise their tone at the end of each sentence, making all their statements sound like questions) can be elegantly humiliating and ideal for bimbofication. Or demanding a loud, crisp response to your questions could add a sense of discipline to your dynamic. (Location 3712)

When you have someone under speech control, it's important to maintain a genuine connection with them via other means. A safeword to break out of the speech control can be valuable (Location 3716)

The difference between an immediate, loud, excited "Thank you, Mistress!" and one that's strained, whispered, or comes only after a five-second pause can tell you a lot about where your partner is really at. (Location 3719)

Technique: Denial

The most obvious example is denying sexual stimulation or release, but it could be other pleasures or preferences as well: food, favorite TV shows, Internet time. (Location 3722)

The big trick to making denial work, stretching it out, and keeping it hot, is keeping the denial active and present in the moment. If you simply tell your partner that they aren't allowed to orgasm and then never mention it again, they are likely to quickly begin feeling bored or irritated (Location 3724)

Show Your Awareness. Regularly remind them that you know full well how frustrated they are. Talk to them about how much pleasure it gives you, or how disappointed you would be if they indulged. (Location 3728)

You can take it further and track progress over time, or issue grades for how well they've done. (Location 3731)

Tease Them. Tease and denial go together like scotch and dark chocolate. If your cuckold isn't allowed to have sex with you, undress in front of him, rub up against him, and talk to him about how horny you are for a real man. (Location 3732)

Don't just let their denial expire or fizzle out; take control of how it ends and make that an active part of your play as well. (Location 3741)

Manage their release to complete the experience for both of you, and to maintain the sense of you being in control. (Location 3744)

16. Conclusion

Perfect is the enemy of good. - Voltaire (Location 3746)

The skills and qualities that make us good at dominance are the skills and qualities that inspire someone to say "Fuck yes: I want to do what you tell me to!" (Location 3751)

Foremost among those skills and qualities are three subtle, unassuming fundamentals: feeling comfort with ourselves and our desires, creating the safe emotional space in which submission can flourish, and the ability to connect deeply with our partners. (Location 3752)

Coming from a place of humility—claiming the right to be imperfect and still dominate—enables us to begin from whatever level of skill and experience we have and play and learn and grow. (Location 3767)

Resist the urge to oversell your abilities. Acknowledge your limitations. Don't let pride keep you from asking questions and seeking mentoring from others. Look for partners who are excited to explore and learn along with you, rather than ones looking for some fantasy dominant who always knows everything and never farts. (Location 3768)

Focus your attention on one skill or concept until it becomes second nature—until you can keep doing it without needing to give it the focus of your attention. Then pick another. That's how we get better at this: one piece at a time. (Location 3775)

dominance is play. Serious play. Real play. Powerful play. But play nonetheless. (Location 3779)

So play. Make it fun, whatever fun looks like to you and your partner. Try things out, experiment, and keep what works. If you're dominating 24/7 and it isn't really fun for you, try doing it just on weekends, or every other week. (Location 3783)

If all the rules and structure you've created are no longer bringing you joy, throw them out and make new ones. (Location 3785)

Pay more attention to doing what feels good than to doing it like the dominants you see in porn, or doing it like this book told you to, and you'll go far. (Location 3787)

I wish you joy and fulfillment in your practice of dominance. (Location 3788)

Additional resources

Also by the Author The Dominance Playbook: Ways to Play with Power in Scenes and Relationships (Location 3791)

If you're hungering for more, see the resources page at ConsensualDominance.com (Location 3760)